Niche /ˈniːʃ/

Its been a while since I last write something.

This essay will be the salvation of my own existence. The future me will read this essay as a reminder and perhaps serve as a catalyst to being 'me'; authentic and with integrity.



Lets begin.

Bismillah. Al-Fatihah.
Alpha and Omega.
The Genesis.

I'm imagining myself taking an ablution of my own mind.

Fuh.


Its been exactly 3 years I've been in the industry. Colleague and projects come and go. I've been involved in a lot of projects ranging from designing corporate branding, photography, documentary, shorts, motion graphics and printing; 'design' industry.

I've met leaders, visionary, the game changer, people who make a difference.

And I yearn to be one like them. One that put a dent in the universe.




But yet I still feel the void in my own being. Doubts creeping into my mind lately. Deep, heavy questions squabbled into me like:

Will I still do all these things in the next 5 years?

Is this truly my kind of business?

I followed my heart and do what I see as my passion, but yet why am I still not happy?

What are my purpose?

What is unique about me? Is being a knowledge worker considered unique? Am I proud to call myself an entrepreneur? Is this business I'm building truly speaks my being?

What is my 'brand'?

What is my niche?




I look back at what I did before and saw:

I've taken a ride that many would shun and envied upon.

I've been in two relationships that are both life-changing and depressing at the same time.

I've worked with the best in the design industry. I'm blessed I'm surrounded with talented and unique friends.

I co-founded a company in such a young age with my best childhood friend. Pursuing and living off my passion is a right thing to do at that time, at my parents behest.

I declined lucrative job offers in favor of putting an all-out endeavor in building my own business.

I've taken the risk. I gambled, literally toyed with my life. I dare myself to try and do things spontaneous by taking a leap of faith. I tried it all.

I've made sacrifices. I've tried my best not to get shackled early on with debts and stupid dogma.

I've suffered. Fucked over a lot. Done mistakes so disastrous I fall into a depression and been in a causality fallout.

I didn't create new relationship and follow up past one. Both professional and love seem stalled without progress for a long time now.

It feels like I'm running away from something. It feels like I put on a mask to show people that I'm all good and well but deep down inside I know I'm not.

I get tired easily. I procrastinate a lot. I get irate over the smallest things and brush off people that is not in my bubble. I'm not shy to say there's always this contempt, condescenting glare when I judge people that I feel not in my league, or bubble, or tribe; or in whatever definition that is related to tribal mentality.

My relationship with my family is shaky at best. Heck I can't even describe my relationship with God right now. I'm not gonna lie; I'm part Agnostic, sceptic and at the same time struggling with the fact that I am still a Muslim.

I seldom pray nowadays. I don't even know what I want, what my purpose is.

I've questioned things that I'm told never to be questioned. Is it a sin to be curious?

What is sin anyway?



I lost my innocence self. I feel numb and don't create stuff anymore.

I've shut down my imagination and borrowed words from others that I agree as my own.

I overwhelm myself with lots of information that is both relevant and irrelevant. I got lost in a sea with no compass to direct me and destination to choose from.

I have to resupply somehow, but with no purpose in sight, my hope is running thin.

Long has been I feels that creative spark who keeps me late at night. Long has been I laugh and work damn hard to create my best.

The joy of meeting new clients. The joy of creating new friends. The joy of learning new knowledge. The joy of taking risks. Try new food. Treat others food and do random thing. Creating new experience out of randomness.

God I miss all those things.

What is it in these past years that died within me? What is left within me that is still unique I can call my own, not tainted and purely, proudly me?

What legacy do I wish to create in this small world? What are the things people will remember me by?

I am trapped by my own definitions.

I am trapped by definitions set by others.



What is my salvations right now?

What's the next step?

Where is this port, town, continent, planet that I can call my own?



I yearn to go Tabula Rasa and create out of nothingness; but I'm still stuck in the act of emptying the cup and fill it in with a new one.

The question right now is, what is it that I want to fill in that is uniquely me?

This is a paradox and a limiting one; I can't throw all that is me before and creating a new me all of a sudden.

The base is already there; my genetic makeup, my language, the memories I had before, family; all these things already define me from the get go.

But it doesn't put a limit on the context on what should I be involve and believe in.

There's opportunity somewhere in the chaotic mist if I look and inquiry hard enough.



Accept the risk.

Have faith.



I'm 27 at the moment of this writing and I acknowledged that I'm lost and sinking in a nevereding quicksand with no answers on sight.

Help me God.