Being responsible of my choices.
Last night session (9 October 2013) was all about "choices".
Identifying choices that was made before and how it affects my decision in the future.
There are facts that we can't deny existing: for example, our parents, our sex, our innate make up, our genetics, our planet.
These are the things that I have to accept as my being. Things that I could not control, things that are there and it depending on me on how to accept it as my being. Things that you can't control.
We also are bog down by things that we believe stumbled upon and chose before that somehow is not in our control. Our partner, old friends, jobs, things that we use; we believe that we are tied to all these variables by responsibility, to conform, to be one as a herd; somethings that prove we are not alone.
No that's not it.
To choose something is to realize the facts and responsibility that attached to it, and know the impact we get by choosing it.
The impact can be positive or negative, thus open up possibilities of 'control'.
Either way, accepting the fact and knowing things that I can control liberates me.
It is the highest form of control and forming me to act upon a decision consciously.
Whatever the outcome, reaction and things arise from these decision will be taught off and thus liberates you from being 'powerless'.
And I know I will get dis-empowered when I choose not to control but deep within me I know I can control it but chose not to because of the fear.
Hmm.
Friday, October 11
Biology
Biology.
All of us are born to be "socialite".
Cell multiply, reproduce, form much bigger creature, sex, communicate, evolve.
Moon are bind by planet, planet are bind by star. A star are bind by galaxy.
Gravity. Attraction. Love.
No matter how hard you tried, no matter how much you believe that you can live alone; you just... can't. It is our fitrah. It is the law of the universe.
We need someone to share things. Experiences. Thoughts. Touch. Feel.
We need someone to set ourself straight. We need someone as point of purpose. We need someone as a reason why we do things.
You can't leaves a mark in the world without impacting someone. That is just sad; as if you are not even exist.
No cell is left alone. The existence is void if people don't know you "exist".
Parents, partner, friends, students, children, junior, people who will read and experience you will get effected by what you portray.
They will respect you when you being honest. Stand up for truth. Being you, not fake.
The extraordinary people that people look up to are the one who are the most truthful.
Why? Being true to yourself is the most hardest things to do in life.
How steadfast are you to stand by for your decision out of "fear"?
Fear of being left alone?
Fear of being rejected?
Fear of surviving?
How often people justify their "truth" from their "fear"?
How often people can bend their "fear" to aid their "truth"?
Confronting the fear is a "risk".
How often you take "risk"?
The risk of being rejected, but you get on with it because you're confident and willing to work hard to see the risk is well taken.
Being truthful is an attitude. To prove that attitude is by taking a risk; embracing the fear. Action upon it.
To prove that you are right.
Sooner or later that action you take to prove something will become second nature.
People will love or hate you by your actions. By showing the "truth", both good or bad, will resonate differently to different people. A risk you have to acknowledge.
But first, inquire and confront the fear that is deep within you.
Untangle yourself. Free yourself from created dogma. Assumptions. Filter the untrue.
But then:
What is my calling?
Let's put all the cards on the table:
1. I am 'investigative' plus 'artistic' plus 'enterprising'. (Based on Holland Codes)
2. I learnt now that I like things that designed to be 'simplified' -- being a sloth as I am (and Malaysian; well human race basically) I like when things are not wasting my time and in subtlety feed my carnal desire. A revelation comes to mind that when you create, design or innovate; it is basically we finding a way to feed our own laziness. Or to simply expand that, feed in the seven original sins.
3. I need to social when I do things. I love bouncing ideas and share emotions. I have to break the mold that I'm in right now -- an introvert.
4. I pushed a lot of things that hold me back and I decline to confront them head on.
5. 'Simplify'. Life is complex enough for me to be messed up in my head and my thinking. I can make others life much easier as well when I be on my way not being a hindrance to their daily life.
6. I am easily distracted by 'things'. I can safely assume I am a distraction to others as well. Being all negative, being whiny, doing things that we know will not make a difference is indeed a distraction.
7. Zen. Serenity. What it all means? Am I a water going with the flow, follow whatever shape that contain me or am I a current that shape things whenever I flow?
8. Do I succumb doing and involve with things because of their 'popularity'? Why do I travel? Why I love adventure? If I do went travel, having an adventure; what 'message' do I portray?
9. If I do die in the future, what message will people say I left of?
I am still just in the realization phase. The idea is there, but we all know the actions that I have to take will cement the attitude.
The very first bond I have to fix is with my mom. My father.
I need their blessing to push forward.
8 October 2013 -- poured my heart to mom. I shared with her my concern, purpose, actions that I took before and actions that I will take.
I cried in front of her.
I feel relieved. The load is gone.
All of us are born to be "socialite".
Cell multiply, reproduce, form much bigger creature, sex, communicate, evolve.
Moon are bind by planet, planet are bind by star. A star are bind by galaxy.
Gravity. Attraction. Love.
No matter how hard you tried, no matter how much you believe that you can live alone; you just... can't. It is our fitrah. It is the law of the universe.
We need someone to share things. Experiences. Thoughts. Touch. Feel.
We need someone to set ourself straight. We need someone as point of purpose. We need someone as a reason why we do things.
You can't leaves a mark in the world without impacting someone. That is just sad; as if you are not even exist.
No cell is left alone. The existence is void if people don't know you "exist".
Parents, partner, friends, students, children, junior, people who will read and experience you will get effected by what you portray.
They will respect you when you being honest. Stand up for truth. Being you, not fake.
The extraordinary people that people look up to are the one who are the most truthful.
Why? Being true to yourself is the most hardest things to do in life.
How steadfast are you to stand by for your decision out of "fear"?
Fear of being left alone?
Fear of being rejected?
Fear of surviving?
How often people justify their "truth" from their "fear"?
How often people can bend their "fear" to aid their "truth"?
Confronting the fear is a "risk".
How often you take "risk"?
The risk of being rejected, but you get on with it because you're confident and willing to work hard to see the risk is well taken.
Being truthful is an attitude. To prove that attitude is by taking a risk; embracing the fear. Action upon it.
To prove that you are right.
Sooner or later that action you take to prove something will become second nature.
People will love or hate you by your actions. By showing the "truth", both good or bad, will resonate differently to different people. A risk you have to acknowledge.
But first, inquire and confront the fear that is deep within you.
Untangle yourself. Free yourself from created dogma. Assumptions. Filter the untrue.
But then:
What is my calling?
Let's put all the cards on the table:
1. I am 'investigative' plus 'artistic' plus 'enterprising'. (Based on Holland Codes)
2. I learnt now that I like things that designed to be 'simplified' -- being a sloth as I am (and Malaysian; well human race basically) I like when things are not wasting my time and in subtlety feed my carnal desire. A revelation comes to mind that when you create, design or innovate; it is basically we finding a way to feed our own laziness. Or to simply expand that, feed in the seven original sins.
3. I need to social when I do things. I love bouncing ideas and share emotions. I have to break the mold that I'm in right now -- an introvert.
4. I pushed a lot of things that hold me back and I decline to confront them head on.
5. 'Simplify'. Life is complex enough for me to be messed up in my head and my thinking. I can make others life much easier as well when I be on my way not being a hindrance to their daily life.
6. I am easily distracted by 'things'. I can safely assume I am a distraction to others as well. Being all negative, being whiny, doing things that we know will not make a difference is indeed a distraction.
7. Zen. Serenity. What it all means? Am I a water going with the flow, follow whatever shape that contain me or am I a current that shape things whenever I flow?
8. Do I succumb doing and involve with things because of their 'popularity'? Why do I travel? Why I love adventure? If I do went travel, having an adventure; what 'message' do I portray?
9. If I do die in the future, what message will people say I left of?
I am still just in the realization phase. The idea is there, but we all know the actions that I have to take will cement the attitude.
The very first bond I have to fix is with my mom. My father.
I need their blessing to push forward.
8 October 2013 -- poured my heart to mom. I shared with her my concern, purpose, actions that I took before and actions that I will take.
I cried in front of her.
I feel relieved. The load is gone.
Renewed purpose.
Realization
I just realize that I'm always a seeker of truth. That is my purpose.
The reason why I seek the truth is because I want to change the world.
The actions why I always love watching docu, learn new knowledge and love to create a deep conversation is because unconsciously I WANT to know the real truth.
Without something that glitters. Without a mask, a veneer that covers the ugly truth.
I want to know the bigger picture.
The Truth.
Because when we know the Truth, recognizing the good and the bad of it then we can move forward in creating a better one.
A revelation comes to mind.
Stumble upon an article of law explaining the correlation between "motives" and "intention".
Imagine a scenario of you want to go somewhere:
Motives -- why do you want to go there in the first place?
Intention -- and for what?
Reason -- the benefits? Fulfill what desire?
Purpose -- to be what? What is it that you want to add into yourself?
Realizing this makes me understand the law of the universe. Somewhat.
Truth.
What is "truth"?
Is it the same as "reality"?
"Unique"? "Niche"? "Different"?
As what I know at the moment, "fear" takes the "truth" out of ya.
Recognize the "fear", and aware of it affecting your decision making towards "truth".
"Manager" comes and go. "Leader" stays on even after they die.
Be true to yourself.
Be honest with yourself.
Know that we are bind by the law of the universe.
What is the law of the universe?
The purpose of the law?
Is it "balance"?
"Nothingness".
We are just one tiny cell in a greater sea.
But even a tiny cell has a role.
If its so, so what is "human" role then?
We bestowed by free will.
We're confused by it.
We get easily distracted.
Religions is a "language". All religion speaks the same message, they preach different concept but all leads to the same path.
Islam say "human"'s role is to "elevate", "improve".
Taoism preach "balance".
Christianity preach "love".
Do "good".
"Sin" itself is an act that bring "unbalance" to the law.
Khalifah. Leader.
Or we are one of the "force of nature"; one that can "think", that is.
Nature does not stay balance all the time. It will be "disrupt" by all kind of independent "forces".
A meteorite falling into a planet will cause unbalance to the planet ecosystem, and over time the system will equalize them-self.
The meteorite is the "force".
The planet is the hardware that have their own "system" that have to be balanced.
We human are a "force".
We are an "independent" entity.
And "independent" disrupt other things.
But still, the law dictates there will be a time where something, somewhat, will achieve maturity and achieves "independent" state.
And it will randomly effects other things and disrupt their system.
The reason why I seek the truth is because I want to change the world.
The actions why I always love watching docu, learn new knowledge and love to create a deep conversation is because unconsciously I WANT to know the real truth.
Without something that glitters. Without a mask, a veneer that covers the ugly truth.
I want to know the bigger picture.
The Truth.
Because when we know the Truth, recognizing the good and the bad of it then we can move forward in creating a better one.
A revelation comes to mind.
Stumble upon an article of law explaining the correlation between "motives" and "intention".
Imagine a scenario of you want to go somewhere:
Motives -- why do you want to go there in the first place?
Intention -- and for what?
Reason -- the benefits? Fulfill what desire?
Purpose -- to be what? What is it that you want to add into yourself?
Realizing this makes me understand the law of the universe. Somewhat.
Truth.
What is "truth"?
Is it the same as "reality"?
"Unique"? "Niche"? "Different"?
As what I know at the moment, "fear" takes the "truth" out of ya.
Recognize the "fear", and aware of it affecting your decision making towards "truth".
"Manager" comes and go. "Leader" stays on even after they die.
Be true to yourself.
Be honest with yourself.
Know that we are bind by the law of the universe.
What is the law of the universe?
The purpose of the law?
Is it "balance"?
"Nothingness".
We are just one tiny cell in a greater sea.
But even a tiny cell has a role.
If its so, so what is "human" role then?
We bestowed by free will.
We're confused by it.
We get easily distracted.
Religions is a "language". All religion speaks the same message, they preach different concept but all leads to the same path.
Islam say "human"'s role is to "elevate", "improve".
Taoism preach "balance".
Christianity preach "love".
Do "good".
"Sin" itself is an act that bring "unbalance" to the law.
Khalifah. Leader.
Or we are one of the "force of nature"; one that can "think", that is.
Nature does not stay balance all the time. It will be "disrupt" by all kind of independent "forces".
A meteorite falling into a planet will cause unbalance to the planet ecosystem, and over time the system will equalize them-self.
The meteorite is the "force".
The planet is the hardware that have their own "system" that have to be balanced.
We human are a "force".
We are an "independent" entity.
And "independent" disrupt other things.
But still, the law dictates there will be a time where something, somewhat, will achieve maturity and achieves "independent" state.
And it will randomly effects other things and disrupt their system.
Wednesday, October 2
Self-evaluation -- 27 years old
Yesterday a mentor of mine ask me to write down all these clues:
"some clues to ask yourself: what lights me up? what brightens my day? what makes me jump out of my bed in the morning?"
Hmm.
What lights me up these days? The story of the Past or Present?
I am a knowledge junkie. I read all kind of stories be it involve medical, engineering, politics, psychology, technology, fiction, conspiracy theories, business related stuff, games etc etc.
One that I keen in reading more now involves social sciences studies. Like what spark and trigger humanity forward. Stories that make a difference; proven past system that propels and answers life biggest questions.
I like Malcolm Gladwell writing, and am still reading a book titled Why Nations Fail. I love to inquire and finding out reason for religious cues, the believe, traditions and dogma on how they shaped human thinking and culture. I am addicted in finding and connecting the dots, on why certain things happen and what the causality of it.
I also always follow things related to sci-fi, the fantasy on how future technology will evolve and imagining how the future utopia should be. The wild imagination of the final frontier, the vastness of universe, the unknown.
I cried observing all the little things; sunsets, life and death, human expression in all forms be it art, writing, visuals, living space, relationship people had be it war, love, freedom. I read history with passion.
I'm in a long-life journey in seeking the light at the end of the tunnel. Things that strengthen your faith for humanity. Things that assure you life is beautiful.
Serenity. Wisdom. The bigger picture.
I am a generalist. I know how to design stuff, make visual graphics, express art out of my own understanding; I can talk about all these stuff all day.
I am still and always be jack-of-all-trade. Know everything but master of none.
If I may classify myself as a knowledge worker, RPG style, I am an adept towards being a linker and a retriever.
The question is now, what's the strength that I can garner from all these traits?
How to survive using all these traits?
What good can I make by knowing all these traits?
What strength I can sell to people and what is my value?
What is it that can make me stood out?
What is it that identify me and how to identify all these unique traits?
Do I have one?
How to create one?
Hmm.
p.s: Never would have thought that I'm defining my own brand. Over-thinking perhaps, or a question that I must ask from time to time.
Well, writing about it do clear up my mind at least.
"some clues to ask yourself: what lights me up? what brightens my day? what makes me jump out of my bed in the morning?"
Hmm.
What lights me up these days? The story of the Past or Present?
I am a knowledge junkie. I read all kind of stories be it involve medical, engineering, politics, psychology, technology, fiction, conspiracy theories, business related stuff, games etc etc.
One that I keen in reading more now involves social sciences studies. Like what spark and trigger humanity forward. Stories that make a difference; proven past system that propels and answers life biggest questions.
I like Malcolm Gladwell writing, and am still reading a book titled Why Nations Fail. I love to inquire and finding out reason for religious cues, the believe, traditions and dogma on how they shaped human thinking and culture. I am addicted in finding and connecting the dots, on why certain things happen and what the causality of it.
I also always follow things related to sci-fi, the fantasy on how future technology will evolve and imagining how the future utopia should be. The wild imagination of the final frontier, the vastness of universe, the unknown.
I cried observing all the little things; sunsets, life and death, human expression in all forms be it art, writing, visuals, living space, relationship people had be it war, love, freedom. I read history with passion.
I'm in a long-life journey in seeking the light at the end of the tunnel. Things that strengthen your faith for humanity. Things that assure you life is beautiful.
Serenity. Wisdom. The bigger picture.
I am a generalist. I know how to design stuff, make visual graphics, express art out of my own understanding; I can talk about all these stuff all day.
I am still and always be jack-of-all-trade. Know everything but master of none.
If I may classify myself as a knowledge worker, RPG style, I am an adept towards being a linker and a retriever.
The question is now, what's the strength that I can garner from all these traits?
How to survive using all these traits?
What good can I make by knowing all these traits?
What strength I can sell to people and what is my value?
What is it that can make me stood out?
What is it that identify me and how to identify all these unique traits?
Do I have one?
How to create one?
Hmm.
p.s: Never would have thought that I'm defining my own brand. Over-thinking perhaps, or a question that I must ask from time to time.
Well, writing about it do clear up my mind at least.
Tuesday, October 1
Niche /ˈniːʃ/
Its been a while since I last write something.
This essay will be the salvation of my own existence. The future me will read this essay as a reminder and perhaps serve as a catalyst to being 'me'; authentic and with integrity.
Lets begin.
Bismillah. Al-Fatihah.
Alpha and Omega.
The Genesis.
I'm imagining myself taking an ablution of my own mind.
Fuh.
Its been exactly 3 years I've been in the industry. Colleague and projects come and go. I've been involved in a lot of projects ranging from designing corporate branding, photography, documentary, shorts, motion graphics and printing; 'design' industry.
I've met leaders, visionary, the game changer, people who make a difference.
And I yearn to be one like them. One that put a dent in the universe.
But yet I still feel the void in my own being. Doubts creeping into my mind lately. Deep, heavy questions squabbled into me like:
Will I still do all these things in the next 5 years?
Is this truly my kind of business?
I followed my heart and do what I see as my passion, but yet why am I still not happy?
What are my purpose?
What is unique about me? Is being a knowledge worker considered unique? Am I proud to call myself an entrepreneur? Is this business I'm building truly speaks my being?
What is my 'brand'?
What is my niche?
I look back at what I did before and saw:
I've taken a ride that many would shun and envied upon.
I've been in two relationships that are both life-changing and depressing at the same time.
I've worked with the best in the design industry. I'm blessed I'm surrounded with talented and unique friends.
I co-founded a company in such a young age with my best childhood friend. Pursuing and living off my passion is a right thing to do at that time, at my parents behest.
I declined lucrative job offers in favor of putting an all-out endeavor in building my own business.
I've taken the risk. I gambled, literally toyed with my life. I dare myself to try and do things spontaneous by taking a leap of faith. I tried it all.
I've made sacrifices. I've tried my best not to get shackled early on with debts and stupid dogma.
I've suffered. Fucked over a lot. Done mistakes so disastrous I fall into a depression and been in a causality fallout.
I didn't create new relationship and follow up past one. Both professional and love seem stalled without progress for a long time now.
It feels like I'm running away from something. It feels like I put on a mask to show people that I'm all good and well but deep down inside I know I'm not.
I get tired easily. I procrastinate a lot. I get irate over the smallest things and brush off people that is not in my bubble. I'm not shy to say there's always this contempt, condescenting glare when I judge people that I feel not in my league, or bubble, or tribe; or in whatever definition that is related to tribal mentality.
My relationship with my family is shaky at best. Heck I can't even describe my relationship with God right now. I'm not gonna lie; I'm part Agnostic, sceptic and at the same time struggling with the fact that I am still a Muslim.
I seldom pray nowadays. I don't even know what I want, what my purpose is.
I've questioned things that I'm told never to be questioned. Is it a sin to be curious?
What is sin anyway?
I lost my innocence self. I feel numb and don't create stuff anymore.
I've shut down my imagination and borrowed words from others that I agree as my own.
I overwhelm myself with lots of information that is both relevant and irrelevant. I got lost in a sea with no compass to direct me and destination to choose from.
I have to resupply somehow, but with no purpose in sight, my hope is running thin.
Long has been I feels that creative spark who keeps me late at night. Long has been I laugh and work damn hard to create my best.
The joy of meeting new clients. The joy of creating new friends. The joy of learning new knowledge. The joy of taking risks. Try new food. Treat others food and do random thing. Creating new experience out of randomness.
God I miss all those things.
What is it in these past years that died within me? What is left within me that is still unique I can call my own, not tainted and purely, proudly me?
What legacy do I wish to create in this small world? What are the things people will remember me by?
I am trapped by my own definitions.
I am trapped by definitions set by others.
What is my salvations right now?
What's the next step?
Where is this port, town, continent, planet that I can call my own?
I yearn to go Tabula Rasa and create out of nothingness; but I'm still stuck in the act of emptying the cup and fill it in with a new one.
The question right now is, what is it that I want to fill in that is uniquely me?
This is a paradox and a limiting one; I can't throw all that is me before and creating a new me all of a sudden.
The base is already there; my genetic makeup, my language, the memories I had before, family; all these things already define me from the get go.
But it doesn't put a limit on the context on what should I be involve and believe in.
There's opportunity somewhere in the chaotic mist if I look and inquiry hard enough.
Accept the risk.
Have faith.
I'm 27 at the moment of this writing and I acknowledged that I'm lost and sinking in a nevereding quicksand with no answers on sight.
Help me God.
This essay will be the salvation of my own existence. The future me will read this essay as a reminder and perhaps serve as a catalyst to being 'me'; authentic and with integrity.
Lets begin.
Bismillah. Al-Fatihah.
Alpha and Omega.
The Genesis.
I'm imagining myself taking an ablution of my own mind.
Fuh.
Its been exactly 3 years I've been in the industry. Colleague and projects come and go. I've been involved in a lot of projects ranging from designing corporate branding, photography, documentary, shorts, motion graphics and printing; 'design' industry.
I've met leaders, visionary, the game changer, people who make a difference.
And I yearn to be one like them. One that put a dent in the universe.
But yet I still feel the void in my own being. Doubts creeping into my mind lately. Deep, heavy questions squabbled into me like:
Will I still do all these things in the next 5 years?
Is this truly my kind of business?
I followed my heart and do what I see as my passion, but yet why am I still not happy?
What are my purpose?
What is unique about me? Is being a knowledge worker considered unique? Am I proud to call myself an entrepreneur? Is this business I'm building truly speaks my being?
What is my 'brand'?
What is my niche?
I look back at what I did before and saw:
I've taken a ride that many would shun and envied upon.
I've been in two relationships that are both life-changing and depressing at the same time.
I've worked with the best in the design industry. I'm blessed I'm surrounded with talented and unique friends.
I co-founded a company in such a young age with my best childhood friend. Pursuing and living off my passion is a right thing to do at that time, at my parents behest.
I declined lucrative job offers in favor of putting an all-out endeavor in building my own business.
I've taken the risk. I gambled, literally toyed with my life. I dare myself to try and do things spontaneous by taking a leap of faith. I tried it all.
I've made sacrifices. I've tried my best not to get shackled early on with debts and stupid dogma.
I've suffered. Fucked over a lot. Done mistakes so disastrous I fall into a depression and been in a causality fallout.
I didn't create new relationship and follow up past one. Both professional and love seem stalled without progress for a long time now.
It feels like I'm running away from something. It feels like I put on a mask to show people that I'm all good and well but deep down inside I know I'm not.
I get tired easily. I procrastinate a lot. I get irate over the smallest things and brush off people that is not in my bubble. I'm not shy to say there's always this contempt, condescenting glare when I judge people that I feel not in my league, or bubble, or tribe; or in whatever definition that is related to tribal mentality.
My relationship with my family is shaky at best. Heck I can't even describe my relationship with God right now. I'm not gonna lie; I'm part Agnostic, sceptic and at the same time struggling with the fact that I am still a Muslim.
I seldom pray nowadays. I don't even know what I want, what my purpose is.
I've questioned things that I'm told never to be questioned. Is it a sin to be curious?
What is sin anyway?
I lost my innocence self. I feel numb and don't create stuff anymore.
I've shut down my imagination and borrowed words from others that I agree as my own.
I overwhelm myself with lots of information that is both relevant and irrelevant. I got lost in a sea with no compass to direct me and destination to choose from.
I have to resupply somehow, but with no purpose in sight, my hope is running thin.
Long has been I feels that creative spark who keeps me late at night. Long has been I laugh and work damn hard to create my best.
The joy of meeting new clients. The joy of creating new friends. The joy of learning new knowledge. The joy of taking risks. Try new food. Treat others food and do random thing. Creating new experience out of randomness.
God I miss all those things.
What is it in these past years that died within me? What is left within me that is still unique I can call my own, not tainted and purely, proudly me?
What legacy do I wish to create in this small world? What are the things people will remember me by?
I am trapped by my own definitions.
I am trapped by definitions set by others.
What is my salvations right now?
What's the next step?
Where is this port, town, continent, planet that I can call my own?
I yearn to go Tabula Rasa and create out of nothingness; but I'm still stuck in the act of emptying the cup and fill it in with a new one.
The question right now is, what is it that I want to fill in that is uniquely me?
This is a paradox and a limiting one; I can't throw all that is me before and creating a new me all of a sudden.
The base is already there; my genetic makeup, my language, the memories I had before, family; all these things already define me from the get go.
But it doesn't put a limit on the context on what should I be involve and believe in.
There's opportunity somewhere in the chaotic mist if I look and inquiry hard enough.
Accept the risk.
Have faith.
I'm 27 at the moment of this writing and I acknowledged that I'm lost and sinking in a nevereding quicksand with no answers on sight.
Help me God.
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