Fear.

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. - Sylvia Plath"

Self-doubt. That is the very feeling that I have to get on and kill right now.

I've read soooo much book; wiki everything that seems unbeknownst to me before and somehow these craving for more and more knowledge has become my new infinitely obsession.

The downside is as more and more 'knowledgeable' I might be AND realising that I am fast adhering to that "the-more-I-learn-the-less-I-know"philosophical cleric; somehow the feeling to write it down my reflections on what I am reading seems absurd.

There is some doubt in me that telling me again and again annoyingly that I have to make sure I have to be very certain in what I read and do before I write it down; as to not make the scribe seems like a hard-assed copy-cut-n-paste and most importantly, like Al-Ghazali once said, 

"I was convinced that a man cannot grasp what is defective in any of the Sciences unless he has so complete a grasp of the science in question that he equals its most learned exponents in the application of its fundamental principles, and even goes beyond and surpasses them, probing into some of the tangles and profundities which the very professors of the science have neglected. Then and only then is it possible that what he has to assert about its defects is true.... I realised that to refute a system before understanding it and becoming acquainted with its depths is to act blindly."

And yet as I've said BEFORE (arrogant-kind-like gesture) I want to like, ideally, correcting the way on how we interpret RELIGION, specifically Islam, and somehow I want to asking away some of the most WHY factor.

Like:

"Why is it that Muslims is divided by two warring sects? Sunni and Shia? Aren't the Quran already said that all Muslims is brothers?"

"Why is the Sunni itself has 4 madh'hab, why can't we just make it under a single banner?"

"How is it lead to the Golden Age of Islam; why can't we now at this very era of Age of Information seems can't get into that standard anymore? What went wrong?"

"The HADITH and SUNNAH; some say that Quran is the only viable source for Islam but most Muslim nowadays use hadith and sunnah as a way of condemning each other and sadly, disintegrate the very nature of ummah by saying those who have conflicted views as apostate. Let us research more on that."

"The philosophical battle of Reasoning vs Orthodoxy; Ibn Rushd vs Al-Ghazali. The effect of these two philosopher is still in affect to this day; as Ibn Rushd philosophy seems to have a widespread followers in the modern west (some did say that his very reasoning is actually the main drive of the Renaissance and Secularism) while Al-Ghazali is the one who counter the foreign Neo-platonian compatibility to Islam and some did say he is the very person who made the Muslim 'frozen in time', a frozen society some might called it because they somehow after the advent of Al-Ghazali reject all others idea as saying there are no other legitimate way of thinking, thus slightly prevent innovation and out-of-the-box-thinking. Interesting. There must be more story behind and what lead to that."

Bla bla bla there is still so much to be read and so much to reflect. I try not to be bias and emotional to one kind of opinion so I think, this might take times. Learning history has never felt this fun. And satisfying.

Trying to be reasonable, realistic, spiritual and idealistic at the same time. Hope it works.