Alexithymia.

2010 is a very dark year indeed.

Lost. Irritated. Sad.

I don't know what other words describe me at the moment.
This feeling of emptiness. Lifeless. Out of motivation. Unproductive.
I can't even properly laugh and smile like I used to.
This "innocence" that I had not so long ago just somehow been stripped away; poof.
The ability to be amaze, curious about everything, enjoying anything quirkish, never-say-no attitude; all those positive intake that I had before in my life suddenly gone.

No purpose. No goals. No dreams.

Lost hope, moral support and above all, there's not even an ounce of love in everything that I do.

Half-assed. Crude. My life has been increasingly mundane and unsatisfying.

Gone has been the enthusiastic me. I am somehow lost all those things that I want to protect, cherish, love and above all, purpose of what is it that I want to achieve.

Imagine being lifeless inside. With nothing to pursue on. With no one to impress to.

I can't even make myself liking someone else. How can I open my heart and mind to people if I can't even like myself? How can I make others proud if I don't even have faith in whatever it is that I do?

Few people know so clearly what they want.  Most people can't even think what to hope for when they throw a penny in a fountain.  ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

Confusing. I know.


Last 3 to 4 month I told myself to try to live in solitude as in to rediscover my own inner-romance and motivation; and maybe regain back the innocence of the old me.

I've missed the laugh-it-out-loud me.
I've missed the company that has cheered me and helped me through all ups and down. (Vice versa)
I've missed the ambience that inspires me to be creative. Innovative. Not afraid to try new things.

And maybe. Just maybe. I've missed the laugh of a certain someone but then again, we both know all those strings of fate cannot be undone.

Deep within my heart I truly wish things are not what it used to be, and hoping somehow God intervene and make it more easier to comprehend.

I did helped with all my might and yeah, you abandon me by saying I'm too good to be true.

Heck. I don't even know what is it that I must do to move on. I blame myself for being this clingy and God knows how shitty things like this felt draggy like... forever!

I prayed on and on that the things that is past stay past and please Almighty please give me solace and serenity in fighting off this kind of emotional magnitude cuz' I know it will lead me nowhere.


I've prayed hard from day to day that somehow God can grant me a small measure of peace, that we all seek, and few of us ever find.


And please know that my prayer goes for all, especially you.







Some quotes that maybe can inspire us for a better life:

If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire deeper insights into what you believe?  The things most worth reading are precisely those that challenge our convictions.  ~Author Unknown


Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.  ~Henry David Thoreau


He who knows others is learned;
He who knows himself is wise.
~Lao-tzu, Tao te Ching




And this quote strikes fear into the very heart of me...


Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through.  Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it.  This is a kind of death.  ~Anaïs Nin

Hope that the coming year will be a blissful, devoid of any depression and hopefully, stronger resolve in me.

Amen.

p.s: Hopeless romantic.



Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.
Info on the full exhibition of art that includes animation and figurative works visit: www.conteanimated.com
Behind the scenes here:  http://vimeo.com/16330140
"World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies - Courtesy of Nettwerk Music Group