Saturday, December 26

huh~

Just realizing that I've been fighting for the lost cause... for one whole freaking year.

I don't want to bad-mouth people and blaming them as in I know we all are part of the bigger circle, all of us are there to blame...

I'm trying to make peace with it and although before most of my time I act as if everything is OK and fine, the pain and guilt kept creeping and eating my heart and IT SHOWS IN MY FACE... THAT I'M NOT HAPPY.

So, to those who may concern, I'm through with it. I'm gonna fight for what I love for and for what my passion is.

Also realizing that I'm not gonna fight someone elses battle and be used then thrown away when I mess up.

...and the hard reality is, for so long I've been trying to be a good boy and listen do what they say... Its been eating me inside up, that I know the word like, "Kita kena bwat benda kita xsuka baru dpt benda kita suka." but still, I don't like it.

One year of nothing just shows me that.

When I ask politely to struggle along to repair and fix the condition, they don't wanna. So I've been alone. Not a word of gratitude shown and when shit happen, the blame is all on me.

They doesn't remember there was a time when someone call me a beggar, bangsat, penipu, etc.

That's what I get for being kind. Wanted to be a martyr la kononnya...

Huh~ That's it.

I'm through with this.

I'm gonna live my life my own way. Not being selfish but trying to live my life to a be more meaningful, at least for my own end. Don't like to be someone else chess pieces and get manipulated away as in I was a thrash.

I'm worth more than this.

Wanted to move on into something new or back into my old passion.

...and also trying hard not to be a belligerent and archaic, wry person.

Heh.

Enough with this shit.




Btw, AVATAR IS A BLAST!!! (with Suhadlie just so you know... bidan terjun ahaks!!)
The experience watching Avatar is the same like I was playing Final Fantasy before, except the Japanese part. Heh.

Science fiction+Pocahontas-like story = Night Elf WarCraft 3 character.

LoL.

Princess and the Frog is classic, yet it breaks from the stereotype of classic 2D animation and for me a bliss of it is kinda refreshing and no wonder it gets high rating from the critiques.


p/s: 2010 = A new revelation, an epiphany arrive. Eager what comes next. (Problems won't lose away, they just kept getting better and better. Embrace it folks.)

OST of the Day: Mew - 156

Friday, December 18

haha...

hoo?

hmm...

At years end (or semester holiday so to speak), usually I just loafing around town, lepak at mamak stall, going around window shopping (O_o), taking off holiday to Penang, JB and Kuantan...

But I don't know why this time I just want to lay down and stop with all those "youth" thing. An epiphany, I might add and realizing that I'm getting older by the minute and getting broke in the process. My parents always mocking me that I "perabih beras mak bapak ja". So I took a risk, sacrificing what I hold dear (MY FREE TIME!!) and get into a job.

Adaptus Design System Sdn. Bhd. (Graphics Division)
subsidiary by


Great environment and colleague makes me want to extend my studies and just focusing on improving my portfolio... (and to my surprise, many oppose this saying, "You just got ONE YEAR LEFT!!")
Haha.

Thanks to my father, working here give me invaluable and remarkable experience. And by the way, because of short-span of time (one month duration),  I don't get any allowance. Go figure.

I don't know why, but I felt happy even though I didn't get any allowance. In change, I get contacts and networking and give me a wider view of what truly happening in this industry. I love what I do, even that many of us may not be among the best-rewarded workers in the world, but we certainly have one of the highest rates of job-satisfaction. Setting off for the office every day with a smile on my face because I'm about to spend time doing what I would be doing anyway, even if I'm not being paid for it, is surely a definition of happiness. Of course, a big cheque at the end of the day can add to the pleasure, but the real fulfillment is to be found in the work itself... My escapism from all those stressful dealing and dilemma.

Huhuhu. Optimistic.

Everybody said that all of us become optimistic in the early stage of working but when you're involved in office politics and lack of money (added by friends bragging that they get a much bigger paycheck then you) I don't know how long my optimism gonna last.
Hahahaha.

And then mixed with my misfortune with mechanical thingy.
1. My car broke down - the engine overheated because the cooling fan malfunction and the gasket had to be replace... (RM600) added by Kelisa accident with God-knows-where tiang (RM1600 - Bumper saja RM700).

2. Arrived in Cheras picking up one of my partner because his car BROKE DOWN... (with my license already expired) me and Aiz just took the risk and we went there with borrowed motorcycles. On the way back to Shah Alam, ONE of the motorcycle's tire going flat; and I'm driving it. Lucky me there's no lorry or car behind...

Thank God that Aiz's brother in-law live nearby and come to the rescue.
Fuh~

And by the way, my result sucks!!

p/s: I'm addicted to a constant dose of delirium... =_=
hmmmm. Avatar everyone?

Coldplay - Cemeteries of London

Wednesday, December 16

haa?

2010 is COMING!!!!!

Expecting World Cup, my final year degree, "marquis"ship, or maybe the end of the beginning of my pre-adult life?

The so-called adult means a lot but many of us just can't seem to accept that responsibilities, risk, relationship and adventure that we may face will be different from before, and above all...

the taboo subject of it all...
Money.

The source of all evil and misfortune some may say but to me
"Money is like a sixth sense - and you can't make use of the other five without it."

Lately I've been in a "debate" like everyday; some may say "argue", but I prefer to be optimistic. To me each of us form our own unique and informed perspective; there are no right or wrong. Having an opinion helps us break the mold. All of us have egos, and guess what? That's actually a good thing. After all our ego is what drives us to compete, excel, and in the end, do relevant, exciting experience. The bigger question - both in terms of imagination and creativity - is how can we use our talent and ego to benefit others?

I believe that in life there's always room for more... Room for something a little more sensual... Room to welcome enjoyment and experience... Room to invite freedom and movement into our mentality. We can never limit or strict ourselves by not doing something that we don't "like". Sometimes the best of life is we challenge ourselves doing something we don't like. Blessing in disguise I presume. Heh.

It isn't all fillet mignon and box seats. Its not about who's winning and who's losing. Everyone's a winner, that's a fact, but the definition defer in each one of us. Respect and criticism is a virtue, but overdoing it may make people misunderstand the meaning behind it (above all when in a RAGE hahaha).

p/s: The plot thickens.Can I survive the next chapter of my life in
infamy
or
glory?

We'll see. Btw, I just can't translate what I had in mind when talking. Blogging has become my nirvana. Muahahahhahaa

Queens Of The Stone Age - Go With The Flow

Tuesday, December 8

haa...?

"The night is darkest just before the dawn. I promise you - the dawn is coming." - Harvey Dent aka Two-face from The Dark Knight.

Sometimes I do wonder... I'm trying not to make problems, make people happy, always trying to be funny and above all... be different.
But the result is people become more irate and says that I've become incorrigible. ME??

INCORRIGIBLE??

To lazy to tell what makes them say this, but I'm struggling to make ends meet... forcing myself to satisfy others...
...and I'm at the crossroad in choosing which promiscuous path I might choose.
I gave up my "gamer" life, sacrificing myself for business aka job.
Realizing that to succeed it takes perseverance and sacrifice... but still I think it will not suffice.

I need something to look upon into, random things I might add, that will stimulate my sorry mind that has become too subdue from doing anything...

Someone says that I'm dead boring... can't agree more. Hahaha.

(Broke!! Nk gerak having fun pun xleh!! Mmg la boring!! ARGHHHH!!!)

I don't have a rich parents, rich friends that can always "belanja" me, I have to survive on my own. I even considered that I want to extend my studies to support my studies and business... I'm sick in relying to other people that say, "Support2!!" but in reality hypocrite and sacrilege of that word disgust me. Above all, I'm not blaming others because we got our own selfish path to take care about.
Sometimes I felt that I'm unfortunate, but looking at others I'm grateful that I felt this way.

"Somethings that doesn't kill you will not make you stronger."

...people says that I'm the one making this predicament, but things happen for a reason right?

A bliss of happiness and sadness will make your day dramatic, like it or not - it makes your life worthwhile. I want to have fun like normal young adult, but I can't. I got mouth(s) to feed. Got a debt to settle and still the pressure is killing me that sometimes I do wonder what will happen if I just run away...

But I don't want to run away. I don't want to be a coward. I have to embrace it nonetheless.

p/s: I'll do it alone if I have to. Self-pity is useless now. Ape nk jadi jadi lah.


Saturday, December 5

haa...

Just read something from the good-old Yahoo about "7 Thoughts That R Bad For U"...

1. Cynicism

Cynics who tend to be suspicious and mistrustful of others, a character trait that scientists refer to as hostility, may have an increased likelihood of developing heart disease. "These aren't necessarily hot-headed people, but people who are more likely to read into people's behavior as some hostile motive," Stephen Boyle said during a telephone interview.

In a study of more than 300 Vietnam veterans who were healthy at the study start, Boyle found that those who scored high on measures of hostility were about 25 percent more likely to develop heart disease.

Boyle and his colleagues think that hostile individuals might experience more stress, which can cause spikes in an immune-system protein called C3 that has been linked with various diseases, including diabetes. In fact, the participants with higher scores on hostility showed an increase in these proteins while the non-hostile men showed no such increase.

2. Lack of Meaning

If you lack a sense of purpose, your stay on Earth could be truncated. A study involving more than 1,200 elderly participants who didn't have dementiaat the study's start found that those who indicated having a high purpose in life were about half as likely to die over the study period, which lasted up to five years. The results, published in the June 15 issue of the journal Psychosomatic Medicine, held regardless of a person's age, sex, education and race, along with level of depression and neuroticism.

"Persons with high purpose readily derive meaning from and make sense of the events of their lives, and likely engage in behaviors and activities that they deem important," said study researcher Patricia Boyle of the Rush Alzheimer's Disease Center in Chicago.

Some other research has suggested that people with a higher sense of purpose may have different levels of stress hormones, better heart health or improved immune systems, though more research is needed to firm up any of these biological mechanisms, she said.

The opposite also holds: "The findings from our study suggested that people who no longer set and work actively toward goals or enjoy their day-to-day activities (how they spend their time) are those with greater mortality risk," Boyle told LiveScience.

3. Fretting

People who are highly neurotic -- constantly worried and anxious, and prone to depression -- die sooner on average than their chill counterparts. And a recently reported study of nearly 1,800 men followed over a 30-year period suggests that's partly because neurotics are also more likely to smoke. Perhaps having a cigarette eases anxiety, said study researcher Daniel Mroczek of Purdue University in Indiana, adding that such a short-term payoff might not be worth it if it kills you down the line.

4. Lack of Self-control

Late for appointments? Can't keep your desk organized? No self-control? These seemingly benign qualities could take a toll on your health.

A review of more than 20 studies and nearly 9,000 participants revealed people who are conscientious -- organized and self-disciplined, as opposed to impulsive -- live two to four years longer than others. Study researcher Howard S. Friedman of the University of California, Riverside, suspects the boost in lifetime can be attributed partly to the fact that highly conscientious individuals are less likely to smoke or drink to excess, and live more stable and less stressful lives. The study is detailed in a 2008 issue of the journal Health Psychology.

5. Anxiety

The jitters can put a strain on your noggin, research suggests. Compared with the highly frazzled, individuals with a mellow demeanor who are outgoing may be less likely to develop dementia, which can be caused by Alzheimer's disease and other illnesses. The claim is based on a study that followed more than 500 elderly individuals for five years. Among the outgoing extroverts, dementia risk was 50 percent lower for participants who were calm compared with those who were prone to distress.

6. Gloom and Doom

The gloomy, inhibited person is not just at a disadvantage socially, but also physically.

A preliminary study of more than 180 patients suffering from peripheral arterial disease (plaque buildup in the arteries) showed participants with so-called type D, or distressed, personality, had an increased odds of dying sooner than other people. Type-D people are more likely to experience negative emotions while at the same time hold in their feelings.

The researchers, who detail their work in the August issue of the journal Archives of Surgery, suggest the personality type is linked with the body's immune system as well as stress response system.

7. Stress

Whatever you do, don't let this list worry you! Research is showing that prolonged stress can be deadly, and if it doesn't do you in, workplace stress can increase your chances of heart disease, flu virus, metabolic syndrome and having high blood pressure.

A study of nearly 700 Israeli workers found that those who experienced job burnout (when work stress becomes unmanageable) were nearly twice as likely as others to develop type 2 diabetes, in which a person's body becomes resistant to the sugar-regulating hormone called insulin.

And while a job promotion might boost your income, it also stresses you out. British researchers recently found that when people get promoted, they suffer on average about 10 percent more mental strain and are less likely to find time to go to the doctor.

p/s: Post xdak idea... =_=

Btw, rasa cam nk extend.

Paramore-Misguided Ghosts

I'm going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

{Chorus}
And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me

And we just go in circles

{Verse 2}
Well Now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
Of broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

{Chorus}
And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not, Useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles
 
 
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