Pronoia.

Tajuk xdak kena mengena~ wahahahahaha!!

Nah I will not laid out my new year resolutions as it will be a waste anyway. Some will say they will do this, here and that but to me frankly, why must we wait till a certain period (in this case New Year) to change ourselves?

Yeah new year does seem to be a good time for reflection and planning. I did learned also that sometimes we must keep certain plan in our life (personal) to ourselves; yeah its totally differ on how strong your determination and motivation is but I've got my share of people telling me:

"Hg cakap ja, buat nya dak~"
"Aku dok dengaq hg crita menda ni sejak kecik lagi kot~"
"Hg sembang bikin bimbang arr~ ckp xserupa bikin~"

Imagine all that saying come with those with sarcastic face; and belittle us hoping people that listened to us turned Oprah, but sadly there're not.

Derek Sivers: Keep your goals to yourself

Can't blame them however.

Maybe we're not culturally supportive race. Maybe we're not used to throw positive words, a pat in the back consoling; instead of being optimistic most people I know will just say, "Padan muka."

We're so used throwing tantrum at each other criticising reason things happen that way because you did this and that and somehow ironically sometimes the way that we are saying reflect us being ignorant.

Sometimes when I watched our local drama and then compared it to the foreign one (in particular, Japanese.) there's totally distinctive differences on how they take on life.

For example, most of our cliché revolve around anak Dato' (aristocrat la konon, laen social class -_-), mistreatment of mothers (kalo tgk Astro Ria tahu la), and berebut harta xhabih2...


Tidak dilupakan, poligami.

But most of the Japanese drama that I've seen, not to forget Anime and also movies that come from the mainland China; revolve around hardship, from rags to riches, passionately doing things of whatever there're doing, and sometimes it strikes me as envy (sometimes tearjerking) that all the things they do they will do it with perfection.

From just a mere baker to being a stewardess, the most notable things that I've acquired is that most of the drama revolve around about not giving up, do things with integrity and honour, and selfless to the core.

Ironic isn't it, that all this inspiration story comes from a country with the highest number of suicide.

But then to us, all is not lost. There are some stories that I've saw lately that has punched through that notion, challenged our live-long paradigm and inspire thinking, but sadly most of it are not box-office.

Well, better than xdak langsung.

Aku dah start mengarut dah. Better stop now cuz siapalah aku nk tegur-tegur orang kan? (Inferior ni pun trait yang aku patut buang wahahahaha!!)

Happy New Year folks.

p.s: Congrats to our National Teams. Hopefully this win will be the first of many. Frankly I'm tired of putting my hopes high but please, prove me wrong.

Huhu~

Happy Birthday Mom!! Although we always quarrel; sometimes I raise my voice up a lil' bit, spoke nasty "direct" words, hiding things that... you know, things-parent-don't-like-to-here BUT deep in my heart you know I always love you.

But sometimes I show my love in the meanest of way. Sorry.

And... from the very depth of my heart, I truly wish that you and father can get back together. I've prayed on and on that maybe someday, in the not so distant future, our family can get back together and it is to me a total happiness if somehow you and dad can cast aside all the hate and sour things that has been going for the past 8 years.

I still remember back then when you're deep in a sullen depression. Of course back then you're in a state of deniability, remorse about everything and I still remember the days you always scream throughout the night having nightmares, not believing that 20 years of marriage gone down the drain.

Thank God those days are over but still, I always adore you for being strong and whatever mischief and rebellious me and my sister has been you always stay by our side - accepting for what we are and patiently advising and guiding us for what is the meaning to be "human".

"Ayun, remember that God will not place a burden on a man's shoulders knowing that he cannot carry it. Always believe that whatever predicament, obstacles and bad people that you come across - well, things happen for a reason. If you believe all those things is a blessing in disguise, it is."

Things are not perfect in life and yeah, I've learned about it so close at heart that even the holiest, loveliest, inner sanctum that we call home are so fragile and the greatest hard lesson that I shall not ever forget - don't you ever take your family for granted.

Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family.  Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.  ~Paul Pearshall

Do know that I've come to terms that my family are not wealthy and "happy" as others. Even though we don't have the luxury on having holiday overseas, and sometimes by not having a "proper" raya - all is not lost.

It's just that happiness and serenity need to be gain. Yeah there will be a minor setback and obstacle here and there but, yes, we will be there.

What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment.  And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new.  Right now.  ~Author Unknown

You will always be my hero and my inspiration. Yes, sometimes I did wish things should have been better between here and there if you did this and that, but heck, that's life.

Nobody's perfect. Especially your loved ones.

And yeah, Merry Christmas to all of you and let us send our prayer and Al-Fatihah for those who died in the 2004 Tsunami disaster.

Cheers.

p.s:

Alexithymia.

2010 is a very dark year indeed.

Lost. Irritated. Sad.

I don't know what other words describe me at the moment.
This feeling of emptiness. Lifeless. Out of motivation. Unproductive.
I can't even properly laugh and smile like I used to.
This "innocence" that I had not so long ago just somehow been stripped away; poof.
The ability to be amaze, curious about everything, enjoying anything quirkish, never-say-no attitude; all those positive intake that I had before in my life suddenly gone.

No purpose. No goals. No dreams.

Lost hope, moral support and above all, there's not even an ounce of love in everything that I do.

Half-assed. Crude. My life has been increasingly mundane and unsatisfying.

Gone has been the enthusiastic me. I am somehow lost all those things that I want to protect, cherish, love and above all, purpose of what is it that I want to achieve.

Imagine being lifeless inside. With nothing to pursue on. With no one to impress to.

I can't even make myself liking someone else. How can I open my heart and mind to people if I can't even like myself? How can I make others proud if I don't even have faith in whatever it is that I do?

Few people know so clearly what they want.  Most people can't even think what to hope for when they throw a penny in a fountain.  ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

Confusing. I know.


Last 3 to 4 month I told myself to try to live in solitude as in to rediscover my own inner-romance and motivation; and maybe regain back the innocence of the old me.

I've missed the laugh-it-out-loud me.
I've missed the company that has cheered me and helped me through all ups and down. (Vice versa)
I've missed the ambience that inspires me to be creative. Innovative. Not afraid to try new things.

And maybe. Just maybe. I've missed the laugh of a certain someone but then again, we both know all those strings of fate cannot be undone.

Deep within my heart I truly wish things are not what it used to be, and hoping somehow God intervene and make it more easier to comprehend.

I did helped with all my might and yeah, you abandon me by saying I'm too good to be true.

Heck. I don't even know what is it that I must do to move on. I blame myself for being this clingy and God knows how shitty things like this felt draggy like... forever!

I prayed on and on that the things that is past stay past and please Almighty please give me solace and serenity in fighting off this kind of emotional magnitude cuz' I know it will lead me nowhere.


I've prayed hard from day to day that somehow God can grant me a small measure of peace, that we all seek, and few of us ever find.


And please know that my prayer goes for all, especially you.







Some quotes that maybe can inspire us for a better life:

If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire deeper insights into what you believe?  The things most worth reading are precisely those that challenge our convictions.  ~Author Unknown


Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.  ~Henry David Thoreau


He who knows others is learned;
He who knows himself is wise.
~Lao-tzu, Tao te Ching




And this quote strikes fear into the very heart of me...


Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through.  Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it.  This is a kind of death.  ~Anaïs Nin

Hope that the coming year will be a blissful, devoid of any depression and hopefully, stronger resolve in me.

Amen.

p.s: Hopeless romantic.



Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.
Info on the full exhibition of art that includes animation and figurative works visit: www.conteanimated.com
Behind the scenes here:  http://vimeo.com/16330140
"World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies - Courtesy of Nettwerk Music Group

Delirium.

Enter The Void from nappyafro on Vimeo.

Yeap someone did upload THE ENTIRE MOVIE inside Vimeo. So for those who can't get it by proper means (for sure Malaysia did banned it) we're in luck. ;p

A drug-dealing teen is killed in Japan, after which he reappears as a ghost to watch over his sister.

A very psychedelic, unobtrusive kind of film-making; I love it the way they portray the state of being "stoned"... Out-of-the-body experience - wandering soul venturing to the past and the present; well people just have to watch till the end to know what the hell the film is all about.

Maybe too intricate for many; but then, what else can we say about being "human"?

What is "pleasure"? "Emotion"? Heh. There are a lil' bit of dirty fornication, abortion, incest but hey, what do you expect? (The maker is French btw. The cast is from US. The venue? Tokyo. Neat~)

Maybe it is a bit too adult for some, but let us keep an open mind here.

And I do know people will just skip it over and then judge it as being far too impertinent.

You can read more about it from here and here. 


p.s: Cerita org xdak agama.

That's amoré~

Somehow this commercial song did make out an ear-worm out of me~



When it's planes in the sky for a chain of supply, that's logistics.
When the parts for the line come precisely on time, that's logistics.
A continuous link that is always in sync, that's logistics.
Carbon footprint reduced bottom line gets a boost, that's logistics.
With new ways to compete there'll be cheers on Wall Street, that's logistics.
When technology knows right where everything goes, that's logistics.
Bells will ring, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, that's logistics.
There will be no more stress 'cause you've called UPS, that's logistics~~~

And this is the original song that inspires the commercial:



Quite catchy kan? :)

Narcissism.

I don't know what kind of blog mine is; to me its just a mixed of it all.

Catharsis.

Its been a while since I've posted any songs in my blog so here goes!



Quite an angelic voice don't you think? (my musical mind did pissed its pants O_o)

And this one is quite catchy (and damn good riff!) xD



And yeah, the lead singer is a MAN. (He sounds so girly kan? -_-)

Empathy.

In the course of my research about Malaysian royalty (related to my current job), I did stumble across some interesting inspiration story that might be shocking, yet inspiring.

Yeah it did touches some sensitive issue about Malay "sovereignty", a bit political but let me remind you, I'm not posting this out of respite of the current hak istimewa issue.

My mother did tell me a story before about our very own Malaysian prince and his journey on saving his son and daughter, so as not to be baptised (originally born as a Muslim) by their own mother after they divorced.

The prince had to go through some very tough ordeal, sneaking out of Australia, hopping, hitch-hiking some boats (Literally) and then arrive back safely at Malaysia.

My mother did not tell me specifically how did it happen, just that the issue the story had is similar with the recent Natrah theater and the problem that arises after that.

This video I stumbled across Youtube is from the mother-side of the story.

She also wrote two best-seller books about her ordeal and how is it can she relate to others and giving empathy to those who needs it.

Ok, I will not strike upon how is it this story correlate with the Manohara issue, the Royalties bad behavior or the cover-up the government is working on (the reason of it is being too sensitive), its just that the story are too "exotic", someone should make a film out of it! (Hallmark style maybe? LOL)

Yeah maybe it will be ban from screening in my country cuz of it being too sensitive... -_- 

(Ironically crita2 separa lucah, xdak motif nyer crita lepas plak? hint: all of those stupid spoof film)

Rasa cam diperbodohkan pun ada gak. Sheesh.

p.s: I'm not suggesting all the Royalties ARE bad, well, they are humans too. Humans do make mistake are they? (Not some apparition of some Gods or something)

The royalties is a MUST as symbol, and as a backup ruler IF somehow democracy fail us.

Euthanasia.

This song makes me cry.

Serious. Don't know why.

Its already the end of the year and yeah, I sucked big time; literally.

No point whining, nagging as no one will not even care about it anyway.

Yes. I've never feel so alone in my entire life.

No one to turn to. Nobody to love at. Nothing to fight on.

No one listening. 

Lost. Empty. Fragile.

Felt like being an angst teenager all over again.

People expect us to be expressionless, being "cool", "Hey, take it as a Man."

But deep down inside I'm tired of being taken for granted.

I lied. There, I said it. 

(As if someone gives a damn about it anyway.)

p.s: This post has nothing to do with my current job. Its been great, busy and satisfying. It is such a rare gift, getting jobs that correlate with my inner passion.

Maybe because it is going so well that I've feel like I need something of a breaker. Not related to jobs, maybe something like hobby, a renewed relationship, involve in a charity (religious activity maybe?), or anything that satisfies me.

The path is long and arduous; and I have to put my past behind me.

Gonna have to empty my cup once again. Start anew. Live simple and maybe, just maybe, I'll become the old, charismatic, hyped-up me once again.

Amen.



(Sebenarnya tgh boring nk mampus. Xdak sapa nk gaduh, ngadu n dgr. Boring gila hidup... -_-)